Would you like apple cider with that?

Earlier this week I was volunteering at one of the house musuems downtown. The first day I entertained the visitors with information about the room I was assigned. The second day I charmed the company and monitored the refreshments. This is when I realized that there wasn't much difference between me and the women that lived here two hundred years ago. I smiled and told tourist to check out our garden and try the cookies and cider while the portrait of Cornelia stared blankly at me. I think she secretly knows that I am an awkward, independant woman posing as a charming southern belle (without the accent). While I love the history of the house and learning more about it, I can't help but feel artificial when I put my "professional face" on for the visitors. But being bland and resigned isn't what they paid for. Just like the woman who stared at me I was using my knowledge and skills to be presentable to those around me. It really got me to thinking. What is my role in society? I am capable of playing the role of a traditional woman in a historical sense. Becoming a teacher isn't really ground breaking for women. While I know that I can do jobs like this perfectly, I also know that there is another side of me that needs to be challenged.

Christmas?!

This madness and tradition has to stop. While I enjoy how this holiday brings family together, I feel that this holiday has lost its meaning in our house. Now that I am older, I realize that this doesn't satisfy me. Every year we put up our tree, we search for the perfect gifts, and presents litter the bottom of our tree. There is the occasional eggnog and movie with family--everything that suits tradition. Sounds about right. Here is the question: where is Jesus? He wasn't wrapped in any of my presents, and I most certainly didn't see him at the dinner table. While being around family is fun, it isn't satisfying if we fall into this commercialized concept of our holiday. I would love to restructure the way we do things, but I don't have the guts to take down tradition. Who am I to change the way our family does things? I can make some suggestions. Here is a list of things I think can re-channel our focus:

1. As much as I enjoyed this when I was little, I think we should do away with the presents. This is by far my biggest distraction on this holiday.

2. Incorpate scripture into our celebration.

3. Actually learn some real Christmas songs.

4. Volunteer work!!!

This sounds great right, but here is where everything gets complex. No one wants to give up that nice traditional family time and good feelings that holiday cheer brings. There is that "Things won't be the same" effect. Maybe if we do this little by little it can happen. While I don't think that all this hype about Jesus should be constricted to just one of the two important days in a Chrsitian's life, I do think that we should remember why we personally acknowledge this holiday at this time of year.

Princess and the Frog

Well I saw the Princess and the Frog movie today and I realized something about me (that almost never happens when watching a cartoon Disney movie). So here is my defect: I focus too much on my life plans (my "dream" in princess terms) than taking time to absorb life. Perhaps maybe I am also running from love too, but I won't admit that. Everything just seems stable when I only have to focus on one thing at a time. I am not a great multi-tasker. After seeing the movie my new dilemma is whether I can do both or if it is better for me to choose. I guess I can be open to having a relationship before I decide that it isn't for me. Mabye this love thing isn't so bad, but it is something that I only plan on trying once. If it doesn't work the first time I'm going back to doing what I'm good at--being a friend and helping others. So I guess this is my public confession of my fear. I would also like to take the chance to apologize to the two guys whose numbers I threw away this month. I did it out of fear of distraction and fear of the unknown. I am sure you are great people and you will probably never see this blog, but it makes me feel better. Lets see if I can put my words to action (I bet $5.00 I won't). To prove that I am open to this love thing I will call the next guy that gives me his number.

I learned from the best

So earlier when it was yesterday, I did two important things: I bought my father's Christmas present and I visited my old high school. The Christmas shopping went as expected. I walked in the store, went to the planned destination, and grabbed the sought item (which happened to be four dollars less than I thought). Then I drove to my old school and waited until the school day ended before entering. Got some praying done in the forty minutes I waited. Then things started piecing together like a puzzle. Of course, I thought I had something to do with it, but it was all God.

I walked into the building, and a smile of fimilairity crept across my face. I couldn't even contain it. Yep. I went around smiling like dork. I instantly felt like I was a student again, but once again I was working on a time limit. I had 15 minutes to visit Schetski and somehow make time to run into Mr. Wallace. It wasn't too much work though. All I had to do was walk into Schetski's class, and the rest unfolded nicely. He happened to have bus duty with Mr. Wallace, which I discovered when I followed him to the bus ramp. We talked for a little while. I discovered that our school is getting "more better" with time in our art competitions. I'm proud of us. I got to brag a bit about how I met Tim O'Brien, and talk about my classes and my major. Unfortunately, before I knew it I was out of time like Cinderella at the ball. I wanted to stay and talk longer. I wanted to visit all of the other teachers that had an impact on my life. See how they all have aged gracefully. Tell them more about my college adventures. Have intellectual conversations about what I've learned. At least visit your classroom. Thank you all one more time. But this time I left in peace with where God put me. I don't have any regrets or things I wish I could have changed because God allows things to happen in His timing and I'm learning to trust that. I smiled and said goodbye, and I've never trusted You more. Every grey is one step closer to Wisedom and seeing Divinity.

PS. I saw four random things that made me smile on the inside on my little visit: Swerin and his kids (talk about dedicated dad), the portrait I did of Mrs. Summerford hung neatly beside the door, Kayla from CFC last year, and Jessica from CFC my sophomore year (She was visiting too).

Dear God, I will continue to pray........

So much to say in so little time

I've got a question for You God:

Why give me the answers and not enough time to share them?

Is it my fault that I hesitate, or do You purposely let things happen as soon as I get the courage to share what is on my heart? I realized today that although I am at a state of comfort and certainty in my faith, this is the age that most people experince uncertainty and doubt in their faith. Not only do I feel comfortable, I even feel that I can answer the questions that they sometimes have about faith. While I don't know everything, there is no doubt that You have given me wisdom and a clear perspective about certain things. Sometimes I feel that it is best for the person to come to that understanding on their own, and then there are other times when I feel that I can give valuable advice. Some how the words never make it out of my mouth or time runs out. It happens so many times that I am beginning to think that You are behind it. Why give me this understanding then? I am beginning to think You want me to deliver it in a different, shorter package, but I'm not as creative as You think. Like tonight for instance, just as I was about to say, "Hey, you should trust the Holy Spirit in guiding you on what to believe whenever you get confused by the Bible because God can open your eyes and help you understand when your mind isn't capable of doing it. Sometimes when we keep our eyes on the bigger picture the little things start making sense." Unfortunately, I had 3 seconds to convey that and what came out was, "I will pray for you." Both should be just as effective. I've really been into the power of prayer lately, but if that's the way to help people why load me with all of this advice? Is it my pride that wants to always give an answer?

This got me thinking. If I only have a couple of seconds to tell someone something important, what words and phrases would be the most important. I need to come up with an effective way to communicate in few words for when those times arise. (A light bulb just went off). This is what bible verses are for. If I run out of time, I can shout out the bible verse closest to what i want to say. Luke 12:22-23 can say a lot with one word a few numbers. While this isn't the strategy for every situation or everyone, it can work for the situations when I am advising a Christian friend. The new problem is getting to know my Bible well. As for those other moments, prayer will have to be suffice until God permits the right timing for me to speak. God I trust You. I don't know why I feel like I am on mute right now, but in the end You always have some bigger plan beyond me to carry out your work. I just guess I will have to sit back and watch how things play out as I pray. Just because I can't say it doesn't mean that I can't write it. Maybe You just want to focus on writing down these things more than speaking them. Whatever it is, I just ask that You open my eyes to understanding You more and to your plan for how I use the wisdom You have placed in my life.

S.

Home Sweet Home

So, I have been home for a couple of days now and all I've done is sleep and weave. It feels weird having a break. I don't know what to do with myself. As a result, I have gotten no less than 12 hours a sleep each day. In between the sleeping and the weaving I have noticed that my family has been a littled stressed out and that they don't share my energetic joy. I realize that it is unrealistic to expect them to sync their feelings with mine, but where is the holiday cheer? I need to sprinkle some happy dust on them.

One Gaint Cookie

Today I found an awesome consignment book store. It had just what I was looking for--the perfect present for someone. No need to guess what that was, I give really similair gifts. I was tempted to stay longer, but was obligated to something else. After my obligation and lunch, I returned to shopping, but I just couldn't find the perfect gift for my parents. I looked in the bookstore, tried the farmers market, and ended up in the knitting store. The knitting store was my giving up point/treat to myself. I bought some yarn to do some weaving. The store was a local one and had a homely feeling. I was greeted by a group of ladies enjoying lunch when I entered this house turned store. For the first time I really felt like I was apart of Charleston. I had visited two local places in one day. After delivering the present I bought and wrapped in tissue paper and police caution tape, I spent the rest of the day cleaning. I cleaned my room, Stephan's kitchen, and then the gaint cookie happened. It is so big that it needs its own paragraph.

So while cleaning Stephan's kitchen, someone gets the brilliant plan to get rid of the tub of cookie dough in their fridge before leaving for home. So I baked about two batches before that person suggested another brilliant plan--making one gaint cookie. So we lured everyone in to watch a movie and enjoy the gaint cookie with us! It is amazing how a gaint cookie can bring people together... Oh dear God where will we be years from now. There has to be a reason for creating a bond like this. How will these people affect me? How will I affect them? Why are we all here enjoying this cookie together? Can they taste You in it? Will they taste You in it? Will the baker always remember to stop to enjoy the cookie for themself? Are they aware of the unexpected ingredient? Love.

Bon Appetit

Purple Rain

While my title has nothing to do with how my day went, my life feels like the guitar solo of that song right now. There is some intense excitement, vocal relief, and yet a nice melody to follow with the routine beat on the drum. So how does this parallel? Well, I can't explain the excitement that I feel now that exams are over and I can have some mental relief. That feeling was followed by time with friends who lent their comfort, and now I can fall back into my routine. Before this my day consisted of:

6:30 am- up studying for French exam
8:00 am-10:00 am - French exam
10:00am-11:45am - studying for astronomy exam
12:00pm -2:00pm- astronomy quiz and exam
2:00pm-3:45pm- revising a 6 page paper that was due at 5
3:45pm-4:00pm- printing the paper in the library
4:05pm-4:30pm- turning paper in at teacher's office

This is where my day starts going into that solo. Not only was I done, but I discovered that I made an A on my British Literature exam that I took earlier this week when I went to turn in my paper. I will have to admit that it was a tempting factor for luring me to major in English, but I just smiled humbly wishing I were taking another English class in my near future. I feel comfortable with my major. After all, what is better than learning English, but teaching it. I must say my teacher's bragging was a little bit of a confidence boost. I will have to swing by to visit her some time to talk about literature, whenever I am being deprived of it next semester.
Oh yeah...back to the schedule:

4:30pm-5:00pm- watching videos on youtube with Jacob
5:00pm-6:00pm- public library with Jacob and Erica (I saw my fill-in astronomy teacher there with his daughter. I always feel fuzzy inside whenever I see the human side of my insructors, especially when they are spending time with their children. This is proof I should be a teacher. I smile a little inside everytime a see a family especially when it is children experiencing one-on-one time with one of the parents.)
6:00pm-7:00pm- dinner with Erica, Jeff, and Elizabeth (first meal of my busy day might I add)
7:00pm-now - computer, music, and phone time.

Now for a random note to end things on: I can't say the Lords prayer without singing it after listening to Jon Foreman's "Your Love is Strong". We will see if I can control myself Sunday when I go to church with Jeff.

New Experience: Men and Women in robes

So.....Sunday I had a new experience. It sounds weird referring to church that way, but I never had to concentrate so hard in a building of worship. Someone from the dorm invited to come to their Episcopalian church. I knew there were differences in it from the non-traditional churchs and the Methodist one I have tried in Charleston, but I was still excited to worship with a group of people that do things a little different. I don't think I did it right though. Here are the list of things I screwed up:

1. Not bowing to the priest as he entered because I was too busy trying to catch up on the Processional Hymn (#76 to be specific).

2. Turned to the wrong page in the prayer book for the Baptism. (For some reason it was easier to navigate the Methodist books in the pews)

3. Almost frowned during communion when I realized it was real wine. (That stuff taste like Nite Qyuil)

4. Lets not forget the number of times I missed the cross thing with the hands.

So I wasn't so culturally graceful in this transition, but nevertheless I still love God and appreciated the experience worshiping with his fellow conservative followers. I just wish I could have focused on God a little more instead of multi-tasking. It is probably I lot easier once you learn everything in advance. Now for the things I did enjoy:

1. The beautiful architecture (There were stained glass windows and a courtyard. It was very prestigious and majestical.)

2. The choir was good in a traditional since. (hard to follow though)

3. Since their were a number of wise ones (old people) it was nice to see the candle boys and the one that carries the book above his head. (It's nice not being the only young one)

4. The baptism was funny. The priest slashed water on a baby and it cried. That's always entertaining. (Just for the record, I wasn't the only one laughing)

5. There were women priest too! (They wear the robes and everything too. It was unique for the conservative church experience.)

6. I think I feel more connect with people of this denomination now. I can relate to them, and understand their viewpoint on Christianity. (I think the point of the experience was to experience God in a different way, but I'll have to work on that. As I said, I had a lot of concentrating planned out for me.)

Soon I will be back in Savannah, where I will be welcomed by electric guitars, young people, a pastor that wears jeans, converses, and a button down shirt. Thats right, lateChurch. I am not against new experiences. I'm all about worshiping with all of God's people which is why I am so strongly non-denominational, but I need to worship God in my way now. I want to be able to focus on Him and not "the experience". Maybe with a couple more months of trying these different churches I will feel comfortable enough to worship God in their art forms. As for doctrine and differing beliefs, I see myself as a barrier breaker. I know what I believe, and I think the biggest thing Christianity needs to do before we address this is to open towards one another and fully aware each other. Once we are comfortable we can pray about the right way of leading others to God. Regardless of what we do people can still find God, but I would like the Church not to be the reason they loose faith in Him. So lets mend our wounds in the infastructure by mending our wounds with each other. How would we do this you may ask?

answer: Tearing down the walls of division. Lets make the parts of God's body work together again. Go check out some of your counterparts and find out how they work because they are affecting YOU too!

1 Corinthians 12:26 "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

Spiders

Yesterday I was tired in everyway possible. My mind was tire, my body was tired, my hands were tire, my feet were tired, my patience was tired, my kindness was tired, and most tragically my love was tired. But of course it's me so no one can even tell. I always appear in tack to the public world, but I need a reboot soon or I'm going to fall apart in front of everyone. I'm struggling the most with caring about/loving other people. I'm to the point where I want to shout "WHAT ABOUT ME". Of course I know that sounds ridiculous since the world doesn't revolve around me. So I wasn't very thrilled on the inside about the events that happened yesterday: getting repeatedly attacked by spiders!! (Of course this is metaphorical)

spider #1: A repulsive tarantula

So I was just innocently finishing some Christmas shopping when it crawled towards me admiring my beauty. Stupid insect, didn't it know that I didn't want to be bothered. But, no it insist on getting in my way and staying there for I while. I politely sent it off and let out my fustration under a nearby tree. There is nothing worse than unwanted company, and I know that I'm tired when I'm rude enough to voice that opinion. I didn't even stop to get an understanding of the creature; didn't extend a kind hand or say a little prayer for it. Nope my poor little heart and its love are too tired for you to even matter to me, but deep down somewhere I would have love to have viewed You through God's eyes in a loving manner. It is a shame. My love for people should be consistant not waivering. God's love for me doesn't waiver, and I'm suppose to portray his love to others--you know that whole shine a light thing, but I must admit today I was being the perfect pretender because how I felt inside didn't match my actions. Needless to say there was another unfortunate spider that had to encounter and annoy me yesterday.

spider #2: A loopy daddy-long leg

I was getting some homework done when this one galloped across the table. All I have to say about that is that sometimes you run across things that don't behave like they are expected to behave! Yesterday I just felt like stepping on anything that looked like it could bite me, but I must thank God and self-control for keeping me from acting out this aggression. These bugs did no real harm to me, so I should have felt more tolerant towards them.

........And then the Rainbow

So today I took a test, scrapped together a project, made three trips to the library, and smiled. That's right, it was a great day--the last day of the last full week of classes ( : So let me give some highlights of this excitement:

1. Made an A on a test
2. The door opened behind me
3. Intervarsity
4. Small chat
5. Smoothie
6. Harry Potter
7. Some love from the family

Well if it isn't obvious, I am most excited about #2 (Of course all of the others always make me happy, but they happen more regularly than 2). Today when the door opened behind me, I realized that God was answering one of my prayers. But of course when God does something He has to go above and beyond. He not only answered that prayer, but gave me reassurance about other things I prayed about when I went to Intervarsity. So basically the door opened and my name was called before I could realize that I was being met half-way. So now that my prayers are answered, now what? For the time being, I'll just go on my happy way until something of real interest happens in my life.

Random Rain

While there was nothing random about the rain that fell today, the hype about its power was. So, out of no where we get this alert that there will be terrible weather some time in the day. I can say that I was personally confused since it just looked like the normal rainy whether sky, but as I sit here at the computer I realize that today's weather can be a metaphor for life. Here it is: What looks and feels harmless can be dangerous. While I still laugh at the danger of our little drizzle that we had today, I realized that I could possibly have dangerous rain drops in my life. What I was expecting to come in the form of an elaborate thunder storm, came in gradual flooding. Maybe I think life is fine because I don't see obvious danger. If I didn't recognize this sooner, I would be drowning in rain while expecting lightening.

So what the heck am I talking about. Well it is the cloud of smoke that has been in my life lately. This fog is so light and seems like it could soon disperse--like nothing to worry about at all. I sit enterained waiting for the good particles to separate and the cloud to dissapear, but the thing with gases is that you never know what is going to bond to what and what you will get after that. You only hope for the best until you are choking on carbon monoixde. Today I realized that I just might not be breathing oxgyen. Sure you can't get through life without breathing other elements, but I could be getting an extra dose of dangerous gas that I might not even have seen coming. It is not what I see that can hurt me, but what I can't see.



Dear God, open my eyes.

Copy Cat

So I saw that everyone else had a blog, and I thought "Why not me?" This is an awesome way to force myself to write about life and stuff. Warning: If you somehow stumbled across this blog, I must warn you that my life isn't that interesting. You will most likely be bombarded with boredom and theology.

So....the most interesting part of my day includes a smile, a farewell, another smile, small chat, and some Bad Girl's of the Bible. None of these have anything to do with each other except that I can remember them, which is a miracle since I've turned into a homework robot lately. This weekend all I could remember was nuclear fission, cosine, the asteriod belt, and anti-derivatives. These little events in my day reminded me that I was a human being again with thoughts and feelings. But this too shall be short lived because the thought of exams next week is ringing in my head, and soon nothing will exist but those limits, subjunctives,and jovian planets. This is why it is crucial to record my humanly responses to these things that reminded me that my existance is why the planet earth was so special.

My response to/ (thoughts):

smile #1/farewell
We are going to miss you too! You're the reason I sort of kinda want to be an astronomer, but not really. Have fun in China!

smile #2
I wish I weren't attracted to you.

small chat
Ahh......physics again. You never seize to suprise me. Why is it that whenever I have quiet time outside you always show up? Can't say I mind it though. Guess I'm just a people person.

Bad Girls of the Bible
So God are You saying I could have actually had a life before and You would have used me and made into who I am now? I already know the answer to this question.